I never really realized how tough it would be to integrate into a family whose race and ethnicity aren't of my own. Although my family is traditional in some of their views, more established American families, like my own, come to respect you when you command respect from them, too, so long as they don't have their heads blinded by too much tradition. I know it's different in Asian families: you feel as though you need to respect your family's beliefs that being gay is wrong because you do not want to upset that value, but I dream to be able to one day be a part of your family nonetheless.
Therefore, Thanksgiving was small big deal to me. It felt like my first step into trying to integrate with the younger people in your family.
It was very awkward. You did not (re)introduce me to everyone as your boyfriend, which would have made me feel much more comfortable b/c not doing so made me worry more about being a new person, who is white, and Thien's BOYfriend. I think you didn't b/c you were nervous of having me there yourself. I had no idea how any one felt about my being there b/c I did not know my social definition in their eyes. Maybe they already know? Even if they already know, I wouldn't know that they know b/c I felt as if I was sort of treated as an additional person there rather than as a person who is likely to become a part of the family. I was sitting at the table, wondering how I was being classified by each person, (and whether they even knew my name). I needed to know this so that I could know how to interact with everyone else, b/c my goal was to try to get to know some of your family better. I felt particularly awkward when Tam introduced his girlfriend (of, was it, 3 weeks?) as his girlfriend, and then introduced me to his girlfriend only as "C.J." (your boyfriend of 3 years). I do not blame him for his discomfort, though.
I do not blame you either. This is something I hope we can accomplish together through, well, some strategy at these get-togethers. All of this was just the experience of, "Welcome to being in a GAY INTERRACIAL relationship." I hope that gradually, (even in up to two decades, since we have to go to school still) I can be accepted as part of the family b/c if we have a family, they deserve to know your side of the family, too. Heck, they'll NEED your side of the family b/c mine will be so small by that time: if my Dad is not alive anymore, it will just be my sister. (Maybe Karissa? And, maybe my Mom, but that is not a person to whom we would send our kids for a "weekend with Grandma)." Maybe you do not plan to integrate our possible future family into your family, but it is my hope that you will. And, maybe, when we have careers and will be able to build a family, your family will respect us more as a unit FIRST for our hard work and accomplishments together, and from there accept us as lovers despite being gay. Who knows, maybe you have thought about none of these things? I only recently started thinking about them b/c, like I said, what is now motivating me through school is a future career and family with you.
With my family, my Dad will gradually grow used to you. And, my Gramma is trying to come to terms still. I always correct her when she classifies you as my "friend" rather than my "boyfriend" b/c I believe that our relationship deserves more respect than do socially constructed, wrong attitudes. Powerful people, not passive people, create change anyway. I also do not worry b/c my Dad and Gramma love me no matter what. If there's one principle I hold dearly from the socialization of my childhood, it is that I always felt unconditionally loved by one person, my Gramma, and that feeling was so powerful for me that it helped shield me from as much volatility in my childhood as it could to keep me pressing forward. Therefore, my heart is made to mostly unconditionally love, and you are one of those people I entrust with that feeling, and it is something that I want to teach to my own children b/c even if your life is hard in this already very complicated and difficult world, unconditional love grounds you in some small framework of happiness to prevent utter despondency. I want to raise a family to love deeply and fight hard, and I want it to be big and with you!
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